Engineering Humor
Real Engineers // You May Be an Engineer... // Engineering Jargon // Chocolate Chip Cookies // Consuming Beer

Real Engineers
// Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
// Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
// Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.
// Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
// Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
// Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.
// Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
// Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
// Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
// Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
// Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
// Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
// Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
// Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
// Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
// Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.

You May Be an Engineer...
// If you introduce your spouse as "mylady@home.wife" or "myman@home.husband"
// If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
// If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
// If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
// If Dilbert is your hero
// If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
// If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
// If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
// If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
// If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
// If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
// If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
// If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
// If you window shop at Radio Shack
// If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
// If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
// If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
// If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
// If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
// If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
// If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
// If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
// If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
// If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
// If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
// If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
// If you have never backed-up your hard drive
// If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
// If you truly believe aliens are living among us
// If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
// If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
// If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
// If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
// If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
// If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
// If you have more toys than your kids
// If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
// If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
// If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
// If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
// If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
// If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
// If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
// If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
// If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
// If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
// If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
// If your checkbook always balances
// If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
// If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
// If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
// If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
// If you spend more on your home computer than your car
// If you know what http:// stands for
// If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
// If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
// If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
// If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

Engineering Jargon
StatementMeaning
"developed after years of intensive research"
(it was discovered by accident)
"the design will be finalized in the next reporting period"
(we haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something)
"a number of different approaches are being tried"
(we don't know where we're going, but we're moving)
"project slightly behind schedule due to unforseen difficulties"
(we are working on something else)
"close project coordination"
(we should have asked someone else) or (let's spread the responsibility for this around)
"extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem"
(we just hired three guys...we'll let them kick it around for a while)
"major technological breakthrough"
(back to the drawing board)
"customer satisfaction is believed assured" (we were so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us)
"preliminary operational tests were inconclusive"
(the darn thing blew up when we threw the switch)
"test results were extremely gratifying"
(it works and boy are we surprised)
"the entire concept will have to be abandoned"
(the only guy who understood the thing quit)
"modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties"
(we threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch)
A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED We are still pissing in the wind.
EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION We know who to blame.
MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION AS DELIVERED ASSURED We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED The only person who understood the thing quit.
IT IS IN THE PROCESS It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
WE WILL LOOK INTO IT Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION I can't wait to hear this bull!
SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS Come into my office, I'm lonely.
ALL NEW Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
RUGGED Too damn heavy to lift!
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT One finally worked.
ENERGY SAVING Achieved when the power switch is off.
LOW MAINTENANCE Impossible to fix if broken.
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books
Chocolate Chip Cookies
Ingredients:
  1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
  2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
  3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
  4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
  5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
  6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
  7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
  8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
  9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
  10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

An Analytical View On The Strengths Of Consuming Beer
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that beer! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.

Be all that you can be.